I recently received EMDR for a traumatic childhood experience. I wanted something that was evidence-based that didn’t require me to talk through the gruesome details of the trauma (although I did anyway). The therapist was a good fit (much younger than I) but a great sounding board for me since we also ended up having discussion on my current life issues. I felt safe with her and comfortable sharing very intimate personal struggles and it was nice to have someone listen to me for a change. I also helped that she was a person of color because that made me feel more comfortable. I gained so much awareness about my struggles that I could not have gained on my own.

 Here are things I learned from being on the “other side of the desk” for six months in therapy:

I engage in self-sabotage without even knowing it.

My self-sabotage does not come in the form of outward behaviors but moreso internally through negative intrusive thoughts and over-thinking. I believe things aren’t true due to lacking self-confidence. Despite my best efforts, the thoughts remain but one important change has been that I no longer believe them or allow myself to succumb to them so easily. Most of the time, the thoughts just roll off my back and I am far more resilient than I used to be.

I need to be kinder to myself.

I am not kind enough to myself and don’t give myself enough grace. Last night I had an intrusive thought and instead of beating myself up, I recognized that the thought was not only untrue but that I needed to stop punishing myself for it. I was able to rebound much more quickly than I usually do because of changing my perspective.

My inner voice needs some work.

My inner critic which is harsh and diminishing needed to find a positive role-model to copy. My therapist worked with me for months on identifying a fictitious figure that could talk back to my inner voice and I couldn’t come up with anyone to be that person. The closest I came up with was God and although I have heard his voice on other situations, I wasn’t hearing him so much with this one. Or maybe I wasn’t letting him in because I wanted to maintain full control. Either way, I needed to create a voice outside of my own that could talk to me when the intrusive thoughts started to pour in.

I need to let go of some of that control.

Some of the control I was holding onto needed to be relinquished. Even though God is in the driver seat of my life, I sometimes play backseat driver. The amount of control I am holding onto was causing me to slowly die on the inside when things don’t go my way. When I listened to a recent episode of a podcast called the Soul Synergy Experience by Lu Camy she talks about ”how expectations puts us in a position of powerlessness and how the external will never conform to an expectation.” Expectations ruin the vision of what your life could be like, leading to frustration. Expectations come from the ego and when you allow yourself to be free from the idea of what your life should be like is when you experience true freedom. I think that releasing control is going to be the hardest thing for me to do but I recognize being in complete control of everything is the main reason why I have anxiety. True freedom comes from relinquishing the control that your expectations have over you. For me, this is my path to inner peace.

What do you have to lose from changing your mindset? Thoughts are connected to feelings which can influence your actions. It starts from what you think. If you need help changing this, get a therapist. I don’t think getting a therapist is a decision that many regret. They may regret the therapist they chose (perhaps it wasn’t a good fit) but they did gain insight as to the type of therapist they needed, which was valuable information. If you don’t get the ‘right fit’ the first time, don’t give up. There is so much to gain from having a therapist, even the wrong one. Even though I know I was fortunate in getting the right fit twice, I recognize it can be hard to want to keep going when you don’t get the right therapist for you the first couple of times you seek out therapy. But as one client to the next, you must understand that when you do get that therapist who is a good fit for you, it can be life changing!

I hope this read was a good one for you. I like talking to myself but would prefer some genuine feedback about my blog posts or maybe what you would like me to write about next. I am open to suggestions and welcome any changes you would like me to make. In the meantime, enjoy “Juneteenth month” as I would like to call it and make it a great one!

Love and light,

 Kira

A special needs mom is a mom who has a child or children with a unique need that requires tremendous patience and attention. It can be a mental health condition, a developmental difference, or physical impairment or medical condition. The mother may have to spend additional time with that child going to doctor’s visits or meeting with specialists because of the child’s condition. Things may be left undone at home or at work because the mom has to drop everything to take care of this child when something comes up. What you must do when you have a special needs child is not for the faint of heart and tends to be beyond the line of duty of what most mothers must do for children who are not special needs.

Being a special needs mom requires a certain amount of mental energy. You have to always be present, able, and capable of tackling the challenges that come with having a child/children with special needs. Children are part of so many systems (extended family system, the school system, the healthcare system, etc.) and managing and navigating all these systems can be tiring. Therefore, it is crucial that we pay special attention to when we are drained. There is no way we can properly function in these systems if we are. As a special needs mom, you are an advocate, a warrior, an essential support to your child and it is vital that you don’t get overwhelmed so you can stay on top of things. So be sure that you pour into yourselves and find time to de-stress when you can.

Do you have a community? It’s important to have a community or village. We become so hyper-focused on our children and stressed out with what we must pour into them, that we forget about our own needs. A community could result from connecting with a support group for parents or caregivers with a child like your’s. Community could be your local church or maybe a group of girlfriends you enjoy hanging out with. Community is anyone or anything that helps support YOU in managing the additional stress of having a child with special needs. But it’s not just important to have a community but to reach out to them when you are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and need to vent and release some of your negative energy. It’s your opportunity to let loose when you are so used to holding so much together.

Another thing to consider with being a special needs mom is that you don’t feel guilty when you take time to yourself. Time to yourself is valuable to recharge and get your mind right. If you have no one to watch your kid due to their specific needs, then find a way to create time for yourself when you are at home with your child. This could be sitting in the car a little while before you walk through the front door, taking an extra long bath or shower, or just sitting on the toilet a little longer than you need to. It’s whatever moment of peace you can steal for yourself while remaining present for your child if they need you.

Of course, with this being Mental Health Awareness Month, it would be remised for me not to recommend therapy. Everyone can benefit from therapy, not just those with chronic or acute mental health conditions. It is an opportunity to gain awareness about yourself and how you can evolve into something better for yourself and your child. Going to a therapist does not always mean your mentally ill, it can mean you are ‘mentally challenged.’ Sometimes you need a sounding board to talk about your frustrations with all the burdens you carry, lack of support you receive, or perhaps discussing the grief you have from not having the child you thought you would have. Therapy can give you the closure that you are longing for regarding any unresolved issues you are dealing with.

There is so much more I could say but what I want to leave you with is really take care of you. Do what you need to do to recharge and recommit to facing the daily challenges that come with being a special needs parent. Don’t just put yourself last. Putting yourself last means that you are probably not going to take care of yourself and then unfortunately fail to take better care of others. Find respite however you can and remember that treating yourself good will indirectly affect your child’s welfare and well-being.

Love and light,

Kira

I felt I needed to do a part two so I can further discuss what I am still learning on my journey being a parent to an autistic child.

Autistic folks take things very literally. Like when I want Trey to speak louder, and I tell him to “open his mouth” to project his voice when he is reading; he will literally just open his mouth. He also suffers with echolalia, which is where the child repeats things people say and has a hard time with two-way communication. Trey will often answer a question with that same question or just repeat back a response you gave him. Trey struggles to give authentic answers and we often have to do what I call scripting, which is me providing Trey with examples of appropriate responses to the questions. I’ve been practicing this with Trey for a few months now and am finally seeing improvement in his ability to come up with spontaneous responses.

Trey also struggles with following multi-step directions. I have to be sure to keep my sentences short and only give him one direction at a time. Information overload is a thing that autistic children or adults struggle with and it’s important that we accommodate this challenge by slowing down, simplifying things, and making it easier for them to understand. Repetition may also be part of what you do when talking to someone with autism, which comes naturally for me anyway since I’m a mom. I recognize that I must exercise patience with Trey when it comes to completing tasks. He is not going to get it just based on context clues. It’s very laborious “spoon-feeding” words and acceptable responses to him but the autistic brain works differently and that’s a fact. I cannot expect him to just understand things the way me, my husband, and my other son do because we are neurotypical. Trey struggles with receptive and expressive language that just comes naturally to us. Every day he struggles a little less and the progress he makes is what I hold onto.

You also must be an advocate for your child/children with autism. NO ONE can do it like you can. From my experience, the school system will only do as little as you allow them to. Meaning that if you want them to do more, you have to be in constant communication with them. I speak to Trey’s teacher and speech therapist weekly. For me, those are the two most important professional supports in his life right now and I have to make sure that they have Trey’s best interest at heart and that they are working together. We communicate over email, and I have met with them at school. Don’t just wait to meet or communicate with these professional supports at the annual IEP meeting. Your children are in school 185 days a year (if they are in NC) and you want your intentions made clear to your child’s IEP team all 185 days. You need to maximize as many of those days as possible to help your child reach his or her potential.

I cannot speak about anyone else’s experience, but I’ve learned a thing or two from my own and I truly believe that autism does get better with time. As the child grows and matures, they overcome old challenges but then are faced with new ones. As an autism mom, I feel more confident in confronting those new challenges. I do admit that I come from a place of privilege in that I’m educated, financially secure, and have the support of a two-parent household. This of course helps A LOT. However, I do think that anyone is capable of being a fierce advocate for their autistic child and being sure that they get their child’s needs met. It’s always possible if you put your mind to it and you have the potential to remove any barriers your child faces.  

I could go on and on, but I have kept you long enough and I hope that you find value in my story and experience. I am only an email away so don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions. We are all at a different part of our journey so if I’m further along than you, reach out for resources and know that I’m always willing to help. I am also open to resources from those who are dealing with the challenges of having an autistic teen like mine.

Be good to yourself and others and take care!

I know I’m cheesy but, on another note…this book has truly been a labor of love. I can’t tell you how much blood, sweat, and tears has been put into this book. Self-publishing is probably the greatest challenge I have ever taken on and it requires a level of tediousness that is not in my repertoire of skills and abilities. However, I relish in challenging myself to do new things and eventually master them to the point when I can do them without thinking. I have a few books under my belt, but I still miss things here and there prompting me to constantly make changes. So luckily for you, you get plenty of editions so no one book is the same…lol! I’m a perfectionist (blame my anxiety) so I CAN’T stand for something not to be just the way I like it.

So enough about myself…let me tell you about this inspiration behind the book. This book is inspired by my son, Trey who has autism. Trey is an energetic 9-year-old boy who is very rambunctious and mischievous. He likes to annoy his little brother and test limits. I discovered Trey’s love of cooking when he was 6 and I nurtured it by taking him to cooking classes at Flour Power in Cary, but I think he didn’t like being around other kids so he self-sabotaged by making noises and acting silly. Then the pandemic hit…and we haven’t been back since last year. My hope is that with some maturity and growing older, we can resume these cooking classes. But in the meantime, we will teach him to cook from home. Right now, we have to overcome his fear of the stove. He gets nervous when the oil begins to pop and thinks he is going to get burned. I am trying to encourage him to trust me and know that mommy will do everything in his power to keep him safe. It makes sense for him to feel the way he does but I want him to have independent living skills for when he gets older. So, I will continue to push him and encourage him to be his best self just like I would his neurotypical brother.

Trey the Chef: Cooking Camp is the second book in the Trey the Chef series. This will be one of many books to come. Next book slated in this series Trey the Chef Goes to Paris in 2022. I am so excited for all the books to come regarding this young autistic chef and what he will do next. Here’s a little snippet of my latest release, Trey the Chef: Cooking Camp:

“This little boy has big talent in the kitchen. But will loud noises and bustling classes test his limits… or see him soar?

Trey is so ready to whip up something delicious. Starting his first day at cooking camp, the young autistic chef looks forward to learning more about his most favorite thing in the world. But as soon as he gets there, he struggles to contain his overwhelming anxiety when he confronts the oversized crowd and chaos that ensues.

Scared it’s all becoming more than he can handle, Trey can’t stop his nervous emotions from spiraling out of control. But when someone kind steps in to help him, the determined youngster’s huge “Oh, no!” moment might turn into something oh-so right.

Can Trey overcome the challenges and show off his tasty skills?

In this delightful offering featuring a hero facing developmental obstacles, kids will learn to celebrate the unique gifts and abilities of their peers. From discovering compassion to appreciating each other’s differences, children can develop emotional intelligence while being inspired to nurture individual strengths. Fun recipes and important resources are included for families impacted by autism.

Trey the Chef: Cooking Camp is the charming second installment in the Trey the Chef illustrated children’s book series for ages 4-7. If you and your child like optimistic characters, cheerful settings, and relatable adventures, then you’ll love Kira Parris-Moore’s heartwarming dish.”

Thank you to all my readers and supporters. I can’t say thank you enough for taking the time to read my blogs and purchase my books.  Please make sure to leave reviews on Amazon and GoodReads after you read my books. Your support is very much appreciated.

Love and light,

Kira