1/22/2021

Last night…

I had a dream, it was one full of treachery, perseverance, and triumph. I felt like I worked out and processed so many things in my dream and finally acknowledged that I am resilient. I say this because it didn’t truly occur to me until last night. Last night started with a flood, a long arduous road to an unknown destination, and then a feast/banquet. Of course, I missed the food and was disappointed (I am a foodie), but the disappointment quickly left me when I realized that I couldn’t even eat it because it was chicken (I am vegetarian). After my long journey, I just felt good to be there. I felt relief from just making it out safely and intact after all I had went through.

I think this dream mimics what I have been going through emotionally. I have hit a wall. But thankfully, I have hit that wall. It was a wall that needed to be hit because I had spent too many countless hours wasting away time overthinking a situation that didn’t need that energy. I had went to therapy for it with a hypnotherapist and spiritual advisor, prayed to be delivered from it, researched ways to get out of it and then finally decided it was no longer worth my time and it would no longer take up any of my energy. I no longer care. You know what that means when you stop caring? It stops affecting you and that is truly freedom. I have never felt this free in months, maybe years. There is a peace beyond understanding. A peace that no longer convicts me for the past thoughts or situations. I must leave the situation where it is regardless of the lack of closure and regardless of not having all the answers.

I don’t think that any therapist or any person could have helped me come to this conclusion. It’s like my spirit knew it was time. I have gone through this before. I am a self-diagnosed mental OCD person. I feel like I have almost every OCD there is. It’s like I enjoy punishing myself with these ridiculous and irrational thoughts or real-life situations and replaying it in my head. I can’t make through the day without ruminating over something. My brain is used to being full not empty. I do it when I am bored, anxious, sad, frustrated, etc. But then, no matter how long it takes, I come to this point. A point that I am all too familiar with….a point of not caring and no longer feeling obligated to pour my energy into that thought or situation anymore. And, I always so much happier for it. The interesting thing about having anxiety and mental OCD is that I don’t know why I can’t come to this point sooner. I guess my intolerance of uncertainty fights my ability to do so. Mixed with pride and ego and my general belief I can solve this fictitious problem I have created on my own. Well, I can’t. And if you suffer with this issue, you can’t either. I’m not saying don’t go to therapy to get treatment but for me, outside validation through a therapist only gives me a temporary fix. It doesn’t solve the problem or speed up the process. If my buy-in isn’t quite there or the timing isn’t right, then my brain will continue to fight against this truth. Most importantly, I have to be tired of holding on to that irrational belief. This means that at the end of the day, my healing is really up to me.

My ultimate hope is that this post will be impactful for someone. I am not saying by any means to not go to therapy or utilize professional supports. What I am saying is make sure you are ready to receive this type of help. Therapy will not be effective if you are comfortable remaining in your shit. If you want to wallow in your problem, no amount of therapy is going to help you. No matter their skill level or years of experience. You have to be at a place where you hit a wall too. Walls are good because they help you to rest when you maybe you would have kept going down the wrong path. Back in the day, they used to call people’s walls “rock bottom” but I don’t believe in this terminology. Walls are just your limits; your mind and body’s wall of saying enough is enough and you need to stop this self-destructive behavior. I am thankful for my wall.

I plan to share more journal entries with you in the distant future. I sometimes forget to write these things down because I mentally process them but I think that knowing that maybe someone or anyone might get something out of reading some of these journal entries will make me more motivated to write down my thoughts and what I am going through. Let’s journey together!

Love and light,

Kira

Then, I remembered my therapist gave me an assignment from our last session. She wanted me to write a letter to my future self, one year from today’s date. I am to write everything I have accomplished in major areas of my life such as family, career, relationships, health, finances, etc. Tell myself in detail how I feel, where I am, and all the good things I want to see in one year.

Well, let me tell you I was up for the challenge. In 30 minutes, I had my letter. I was going to share it with only her but something in my spirit moved me to share it with the world by putting it up on this blog. I think it is important that we all write such a letter to our future selves. Manifestation is very important, and ideas and things can become manifested just from written word. I won’t even go into the religious significance of this since I know some people that visit my website may not be religious but for those of us who are, we understand the importance of the written word. Immediately, I felt myself on the verge of tears when I finished the letter. I am so impressed with how vulnerable I allowed myself to be in this letter and it gave me amazing insight as to what is truly important. I am so grateful to have met my therapist at the exact time I needed to meet her. She came exactly when I needed at the time when I would be the most open. I thank God for her and all she has taught me every day and I make sure to share it with others, including those that I serve.

So here it goes:

Here is my letter:

08/03/2021

Dear Kira,

Look at you. You are now one step closer to your dream. An accomplished author, publisher, and screenwriter. You are a sight to behold. You make your ancestors proud. Your family proud. YOU have done it. I am so proud of you. Your tenacity and perseverance have carried you through. You didn’t give up. You had plenty of chances to do so. Life threw you some curve balls. Some challenges. Some dark things that you don’t even want to speak of. But you are healing from them. You have found your way out of the darkness and stepped into the light. You are enjoying the simple pleasures in life. You are travelling. You are enjoying your children; maybe a third is added to the brood or maybe not. Either way, you are ok with that. You are happy with where you are at while still striving to accomplish more. You are working towards your legacy. Your children depend on that. You and your husband are more harmonious in your communication with one another. You don’t depend on him to fix things because that negates your own resourcefulness. You are resourceful. You are powerful beyond measure. You have tapped into your inner greatness and “treasures” and anyone that comes into your life is just an accessory to that greatness; a helper. You are a better friend but one that does not act as a savior because people don’t need to be saved. They are perfect as they are. You plant seeds when people need help, but you DO NOT carry the burden. Life will always work out the way it is supposed to because you are not the one in control; Jesus is. He carries the burden for you. Don’t worry. Your anxiety has diminished if not gone away completely. You no longer carry the heavy weight of your burdens and those of others. Jesus died for this and only He has the strength to carry this. Let HIM carry it for once. Your immense strength comes from HIM but you will now channel it into working on things for yourself and your family. Your family is everything. You have examples of what it is to create a legacy. Your grandfather, Samuel Gibbs did it. He spoke to you in dreams with your grandmother. You have the support of your ancestors. They walk with you in this journey towards greatness. You are UNSTOPPABLE. All you must do is continue to carry on and as you do, your weight will be lightened. Because you don’t carry this weight alone. Others unseen walk with you in this journey. You no longer seek the validation of others. You are not here for likes. You are not here for admiration. You are here to fulfill the purpose that God has put on your heart and then once your job is complete, you will transition to your next destination. It is not up to you but up to God. Surrender to the higher good. Your needs are taken care of and your children are comfortable. Money is coming in and there is no lack. You are able to travel and see places you only dreamed of. And so are your children. You are able to afford them the life of travel your parents sacrificed for you. But it is not a sacrifice just simply a natural part of your life that you can comfortably afford. Your kids are better for it and more well-rounded because of it. Your kids are learning more about themselves and growing into the people they are destined to be. You are a proud mama bear! Life is good. Life is sweet. You cry sometimes at nite tears of happiness at where you were before and where you are now, and you are overwhelmed. Your cup overfloweth. Health and career are stable and only getting better not worse. If you have another child, your body provides regardless of your age. You continue to do God’s work helping those who are suffering by helping them to see themselves how you see them. Perfect. Whole. Fully aware of their potential. Because you know what it is like to be in their shoes. You empathize with their plight and you help them the best way you know how and leave the rest to God. You are healthy physically and mentally and you help others do the same using compassion and kindness as their teachers. You teach others how to forgive themselves as you did for yourself and will continue to do. Because no one is perfect. No one. Love those as you would have others love you. Freely. Non-judgmentally. Unconditionally. You know how to say no lovingly and set boundaries because peace is your main objective. You choose peace always. You are continuously at peace despite any challenges that come your way because you know what it’s like not to have peace. You will chase peace at all costs and one day, dear Kira, you will no longer have to chase it. It will be yours. Sleep well dear Kira.

I plan to meditate on this letter every night before I go to sleep so that these things will seep into my subconscious and come to fruition in the physical world. I encourage you to write this letter to yourselves. You all deserve the very best in life and if there is not anyone rooting for you, just know I am!

Love and light,

Kira