Recently, I have taken up journaling. I find it to be therapeutic and cathartic. I started about two weeks ago and it’s my way of getting all the yucky stuff out of my brain and putting it on paper. I’m grateful that I have rediscovered my passion for writing not only in writing books but in writing about myself, which is where the healing begins. I had an epiphany the other night whereas I was finishing up a journal entry, I decided that I should share this in one of my blog posts. I had not planned to tell a soul but because I am in the helping profession, I am hoping that by sharing this post, it will help someone else. That my vulnerability will save someone from their own suffering. So here I go:
1/22/2021
Last night…
I had a dream, it was one full of treachery, perseverance, and triumph. I felt like I worked out and processed so many things in my dream and finally acknowledged that I am resilient. I say this because it didn’t truly occur to me until last night. Last night started with a flood, a long arduous road to an unknown destination, and then a feast/banquet. Of course, I missed the food and was disappointed (I am a foodie), but the disappointment quickly left me when I realized that I couldn’t even eat it because it was chicken (I am vegetarian). After my long journey, I just felt good to be there. I felt relief from just making it out safely and intact after all I had went through.
I think this dream mimics what I have been going through emotionally. I have hit a wall. But thankfully, I have hit that wall. It was a wall that needed to be hit because I had spent too many countless hours wasting away time overthinking a situation that didn’t need that energy. I had went to therapy for it with a hypnotherapist and spiritual advisor, prayed to be delivered from it, researched ways to get out of it and then finally decided it was no longer worth my time and it would no longer take up any of my energy. I no longer care. You know what that means when you stop caring? It stops affecting you and that is truly freedom. I have never felt this free in months, maybe years. There is a peace beyond understanding. A peace that no longer convicts me for the past thoughts or situations. I must leave the situation where it is regardless of the lack of closure and regardless of not having all the answers.
I don’t think that any therapist or any person could have helped me come to this conclusion. It’s like my spirit knew it was time. I have gone through this before. I am a self-diagnosed mental OCD person. I feel like I have almost every OCD there is. It’s like I enjoy punishing myself with these ridiculous and irrational thoughts or real-life situations and replaying it in my head. I can’t make through the day without ruminating over something. My brain is used to being full not empty. I do it when I am bored, anxious, sad, frustrated, etc. But then, no matter how long it takes, I come to this point. A point that I am all too familiar with….a point of not caring and no longer feeling obligated to pour my energy into that thought or situation anymore. And, I always so much happier for it. The interesting thing about having anxiety and mental OCD is that I don’t know why I can’t come to this point sooner. I guess my intolerance of uncertainty fights my ability to do so. Mixed with pride and ego and my general belief I can solve this fictitious problem I have created on my own. Well, I can’t. And if you suffer with this issue, you can’t either. I’m not saying don’t go to therapy to get treatment but for me, outside validation through a therapist only gives me a temporary fix. It doesn’t solve the problem or speed up the process. If my buy-in isn’t quite there or the timing isn’t right, then my brain will continue to fight against this truth. Most importantly, I have to be tired of holding on to that irrational belief. This means that at the end of the day, my healing is really up to me.
My ultimate hope is that this post will be impactful for someone. I am not saying by any means to not go to therapy or utilize professional supports. What I am saying is make sure you are ready to receive this type of help. Therapy will not be effective if you are comfortable remaining in your shit. If you want to wallow in your problem, no amount of therapy is going to help you. No matter their skill level or years of experience. You have to be at a place where you hit a wall too. Walls are good because they help you to rest when you maybe you would have kept going down the wrong path. Back in the day, they used to call people’s walls “rock bottom” but I don’t believe in this terminology. Walls are just your limits; your mind and body’s wall of saying enough is enough and you need to stop this self-destructive behavior. I am thankful for my wall.
I plan to share more journal entries with you in the distant future. I sometimes forget to write these things down because I mentally process them but I think that knowing that maybe someone or anyone might get something out of reading some of these journal entries will make me more motivated to write down my thoughts and what I am going through. Let’s journey together!
Love and light,
Kira
